“Reaching the end of my string of dog days in this small town. I was looking around as I’m sad. I’m deep into this bottle of dark whiskey that I managed to chug halfway down, to drown out the bad.
Far from home, I mentally drifted from the people who made me feel whole. Made up of the jigsaw pieces that life took apart from the puzzle of my soul.
I was too misunderstood, for my own good and I never opened up to take my chances on getting the loving and respect that I should.
But hey, I guess you could’ve called me Billy.
To everyone else, I complained too much and what I felt internally was silly.
‘Wow, really?’ Yes really.
The outsider to everyone that I’ve been around just trying to make myself feel like I belong. Even always being the smartest of all, I was always made to feel like I’m always in the wrong.
People knew me without knowing me.
They gained and grew their self clout in the garden of gray and swore that they were outgrowing me.
I was just an introvert trying to break out of his shell, but my conscience was heavy as hell and my confidence in myself wasn’t well.
Never imagined it being like this.
I’m thinking back to the moments, where my thoughts didn’t consist of feeling completely hopeless.
An energetic child, running wild and making the simplest of moments worthwhile.
The one sensitive kid amongst the toughest, hanging out the big kids and treated with less respect for being the youngest.
Feeling far behind when I should’ve been steps ahead, and accepting all of the taunting and teasing from my peers for being different getting stuck in my head.
I can even go back to the days where I had the advantage of moving upstate and being able to start over.
The thickening of my skin became more present as I got older.
I grew shy and guarded but I was never questioned of being cold-hearted.
My vibes were good and my word was always true.
But I guess you can say, that it didn’t go my way. Somehow each day, in different ways, felt like my judgment day.
Some experiences were rough, simply because my clothes and shoes weren’t expensive enough.
Just my luck.
Even after coming of age, it still was hard for me to engage.
Everyone was just trying to party while I was making sure I wasn’t a student that made it a routine to be tardy.
Knocking back the shots and grinding on the lusty freshman while I was breaking night to finish the midterm lessons.
But I couldn’t complain because I couldn’t comprehend how easy it was to pretend, that I’m not the guy who blessed himself to be surrounded by many friends.
I only had two, and their insight was all that I knew.
My world of support was in a cage and I was happy to have him close as our trust in one another grew. He knew me best and had been there for everything that I’ve been through.
But I pushed him away and shut him out. My faith in his love was corrupted by my personal doubts.
The distant artist saw my potential and was a go getter. She was the ultimate as an opposite but pushed me out of my comfort zone and inspired me to be better.
But we grew apart. My compassion in her friendship was overpowered by the personal self hate in my heart.
My family life always seemed obsolete and I always felt like the black sheep.
My parents arguing newly over old issues. I can’t tell you how many times I heard my mother in the bathroom using up the boxes of tissues.
Furniture and walls being damaged, but couldn’t manage, to ever come to an understanding.
Learning the man who made me didn’t take the effort to try and raise me. Or even praise me. Now his intentional absence doesn’t even phase me.
Starting endeavors at time in life where I thought I’d own my own landline. Maybe going half on a little lifeline and making a ring finger shine.
But shyt, I was still trying to figure out how to even take on the world and make it mine.
My hope in others went astray and I knew that I just wanted to fade away.
I was alone, in the twilight zone, and the well of constant tears in my eyes ran down like wires of an old payphone.
Imagine the worth in my mind partaking in a terrible diet.
See I’m quiet, but at this point my mind is a raging riot.
Screaming out loud through my emotions and talking because I just need someone to listen.
Everyone’s ears love working when it comes to my downfalls, but their hearing took a vacation, when I was trying to release my aggravation.
They told me that I’m fine and that I’ll get over it. Deciding that my emotions are a task that they couldn’t wait to get over with.
I was one with the underestimated and underappreciated and we agreed, that we’re having a hard time as one to figure out what from this world we need.
I constantly fought to be given the perfect day where I deserved to be put first.
To flush away the actions of the spinning events where my shortcomings make me question my worth.
But I was living with dreams and expectations unlimited when the quantity of my support was limited.
Doubt in myself feeling infinite and self-confidence diminished.
I finally got to the point where I said I’m finished.
And with this extension cord it took nothing less of 10 minutes.
My body was hanging along with the expectations of myself having to be perfect. I just knew in my mind that trying was no longer worth it.
Now I’m watching over the events of tonight and my family losing their minds, just wishing that I knew of a better way to have said what was on my mind.
Hurting as I’m looking down on them.
Disappointed that I felt like I couldn’t count on them.
Now their loving son and friend is gone. And my mother is fighting herself to find the strength to go on.
My little brother doesn’t have a role model, but if he’s learned anything from me, is to not keep his emotions bottled.
My stepdad is the greatest to ever live, making me feel like I was his biological kid and giving me the best protection a father figure could ever give.
But it wasn’t enough. For me, the going just got too rough.
From me to you, this doesn’t have to be your ending.
Remain true to yourself and don’t feel like you’re working overtime to keep pretending.
Let someone know that you’re hurting and be one with the love and respect of which you’re deserving.
My name was Billy, and now, not being here at the hands of my selfishness truly does feel silly.”